“I hate you, don’t leave me!”

Voilà. The title is something that all of us that are living with BPD deal with on a regular basis. Whether it be with our family members, our friends, or our significant others, this phrase is something that sticks in our minds.

I’m having that experience right now with a certain gentleman that I’m courting. There are just certain moments where I catch myself thinking/doing something borderline-esque, and try to stop myself before I scare him away. To give you an example; we were watching a movie at my house, and I placed my head on his shoulder. When he didn’t do anything in response for about a minute, I pulled away and put my head back onto a pillow instead. That’s a great example of the storminess of my interpersonal relationships. If I don’t get an immediate reaction to my advances, I tend to become moody and unresponsive. It took everything I had to remain civil. Minutes later, I was cuddly again. Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me, and then I remember that I’m on antidepressants and antipsychotics for a reason.

I realize that I’m not alone in these types of issues, so, if you’re willing to share, feel free to leave a comment and let me know. Comments make me feel all fuzzy. ^^

À la prochaine !

Why I Haven’t Posted…

Hey readers…

Sorry that I haven’t posted in a while. The hard drive on my laptop crashed and I moved to Ottawa, so I haven’t really had enough time to write a full post.

Back to weekly posting on Friday!

-Darin

How Music Affects Borderlines

Hey again, everyone. Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days, I’ve been really busy. I’ve decided that I want to post a new update every week, so from now on, every Friday, I will be posting a new entry to this blog. That being said, I hope that many of you readers will leave me comments and/or link back to me in some of your own blog posts. It just shows me that there actually is someone out there reading this, and that my posts are not in vain. If you want to know when the next blog is going to come out, I’ve added an update box in the sidebar. =)

Well first of all, I would like to suggest a musician for all you readers. His name is Jay Brannan, and you can check out his music here. If any of you have seen the movie Holding Trevor, then you’ll recognize his voice; as he played one of Trevor’s best friends. His lyrics really resonate with me, and I’m pretty sure they’ll resonate with you too. They usually speak of abandonment, or finding love at the wrong time or in the wrong place. Here’s an example of some of his lyrics.

Thanks for leading me on,

But this time I’m gonna be strong–

Although your disinterest kind of came as a surprise, ’cause

You could see the sin and the sadness

And taste the gin and the madness

on my lips, and in my eyes, well…

I can’t help that I wanna see you again.

But it takes two to start a string-a-long song

And only one… to make it end.

You know, listening to these [and other] lyrics really made me think about how music can affect people with BPD. It’s strange how songs with passionate lyrics can affect us on a different level than people without an emotional disorder. I think it’s because we’re more susceptible to mood fluctuations. For example, whenever I hear the song “Endless Love” by Lionel Richie, I can feel one of two ways. Either I really feel sad that I’m not in a relationship, or I feel the love that emanates from the beautiful lyrics and I feel inspired. Songs like “Defying Gravity” from Wicked evokes a very different emotional response from me, however. When I hear it, I feel liberated; as if I can do anything that I set my mind to. Same goes for songs like “Voices” by Disturbed, which make me feel angry, vindictive, and pessimistic.

Music has a way of permeating our psyches; making us feel a certain way depending on what we’re listening to. It’s an integral part in our culture, as well. I imagine that it plays a big part in your life as well. In the comments below, I’d like to know some of your favourite songs; their names, and how they affect you personally. Thanks for sharing. =)

Peace and love,

Darin

Living with BPD in the Dating World

Hey everyone, Sorry that I haven’t posted in a while, my holiday season has been rather hectic. Between begrudgingly enduring Christmas dinner with my entire family and getting smashed with my best friends on New Year’s Eve, I’ve had absolutely NO time to post. Hope you didn’t miss me too much.

So I just spent the majority of my evening chatting on WLM with a rather attractive fellow that I met on a website called Gay411.  If any of you know it, you know it’s the sleaziest thing on the Internet. It’s basically a giant meat market. In any event, I was just on there updating my profile when I received a message from a rather dashing young man with gorgeous eyes. One thing led to another, and I ended up asking him to add me on WLM. Surprisingly, though, we didn’t end up talking about sex (That wasn’t my goal anyway), but rather about things like university, politics, and the weather in various parts of Canada. This was rather refreshing, as most of the guys that talk to me on that website are more interested in what type of underwear I wear instead of what political party I support. In any event, the topic of borderline personality disorder came up. More specifically, how I came to be diagnosed, the events leading up to it, etc… Surprisingly, instead of being repulsed, this gentleman was totally at ease with the topic; something that came as a surprise to me. After all, I’m used to people running away screaming when they learn about borderline personality disorder, as I’m sure many of you have experienced.

This is an issue that almost all of us that are on the dating scene are accustomed to. If we tell the person that we have this disorder right away, the person inevitably ends up avoiding us, while if we disclose it later on, the person usually gets angry at us for not having told them earlier. This is something that almost all of us struggle with at one point or another. As I said, I was surprised when this guy was not terrified to find out that I had an emotional disorder. On the contrary, he seemed quite at ease. This, as you can imagine, shocked me. It was, of course a huge relief that I didn’t have to dote on the topic, but rather I could discuss it passively.

I just hope that someone else can find solace in the fact that not all people are obsessed with the fact that we have an emotional disorder, and are willing instead to get to know us on a personal level. =)

À la prochaine!

This is my life; temporarily sans medication.

Hey again, everyone! First of all, let me say again, as I did in my last post, that it’s a pleasure to have started writing this blog again; helping myself deal with important issues regarding my struggles with BPD, as well as letting others in the same situation as myself know that they aren’t alone. I’m writing this particular entry without any real rhyme or reason; hoping that whatever spills out onto the page will be coherent and helpful to my readers as well as an emotional release for me.

I’ve found myself in a troubling situation this week. You see, the pharmacy where I currently get my medication [50 mg of Seroquil and 30 mg of Remeron, if you were wondering] is closed for a couple of weeks because the pharmacist is on vacation. I ran out of medication about 3 days after they closed, and I have no way of getting any more until they reopen. I’ve got to say, after being so dependent on my prescriptions to keep me sane; being without them for a while comes as both a curse and a blessing. As I’m sure you can imagine I’ve had violent temper tantrums, extreme mood swings, headaches, problems sleeping, and a few very random emotional outbursts for no apparent reason. On the other hand, though, this time has really been a blessing for me. After being on medication for so long [I was diagnosed when I was 18, and I'm 20 now], I forgot about the very essence of this disorder. I mean, apart from the rare incidents or anxiety attacks, I had been surprisingly stable while on my medication. This week has been truly eye opening; showing me what some people with BPD deal with on a daily basis.

I can say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the feelings of loneliness and abandonment have hit me much harder than I expected. For example, I was coming to terms with single life; leaning on friends for support when I needed it. Now, though, the feelings have returned, and they’re stronger than ever before. It’s hard to describe the way that I feel, really. I’m constantly thinking about trying to meet someone else, in the constant fear that some of the more unattractive facets of BPD will rear their ugly heads and ruin any relationship that I attempt to establish. This has simply lead to me feeling prostrate and unlovable; feeling that it’s not even worth it for me to even search for a relationship, because I’ll just scare people off anyway. The rational part of my mind is saying, “No, you’ll find someone that’s right for you”, but, as all people with any sort of emotional disorder can attest to, the rational and the emotional rarely coincide for us.

Regrettably, it turns out that you have to employ both rationality and emotionality in everyday life. These two forces are contrasting, yet complementary. This, unfortunately, is usually learned the hard way by people who suffer from any sort of emotional disorder. From doing lamentable things like cutting off friends in a random fit of uncontrollable anger or depression to dealing with the horrors of self-injury, we learn that what is emotionally-driven is not always rational and vice versa. I fully recognize the difficulty that many of us face when trying to make this distinction before we act. For example, telling off a client or colleague at work may be something that feels like a good thing to do, but rationality usually stops us from doing it.

Our society tells us that we must not always act on our emotions; giving way instead to rationality and common sense. This can be especially different for someone suffering from an emotional disorder. We often let our emotions get the better of us, and this is portrayed in our actions and interactions with others. To be high-functioning members of our current society, we are re-socialized during our therapy sessions and whatnot to follow this ideal. Why is this, though? Why shouldn’t we be free to express our emotions? I understand that there are limits to this, but for the most part, our society has been programmed to tell us that extreme emotional reactions to most aspects of our lives are unacceptable and should be bottled up. I wholly disagree with this! I fully support the expression of emotions to convey our pleasure or displeasure with any given situation. If you don’t like what’s going on in politics, dissent! If there’s something in your life that’s getting you down, you should find an effective medium to express it. You should use the resources available to you; write a poem, keep a journal, or use art or music. Find a way to express yourself without directly hurting others. Keeping things bottled up is not good for your mental or physical health. Find a good balance between rationality and emotionality; one that works for you, and stick with it. Why do you think I started this blog? It helps me express myself, as well as helping others like yourself find some peace of mind.

Well, this post is a lot longer than I expected it to be, so I think I’ll wrap it up here. Just remember. Your emotions are a beautiful thing. The next time you’re feeling emotional, get to your notebook, computer, or sketchbook and create something. If you want, share it with your friends and loved ones. Whether or not you’re on medication, take control of your emotions before they begin to take control of you. Live your life, live it loud, and live it proud!

Guess who’s back… Back again…

Hey everyone. Shocked to hear from me? Believe me, I’m shocked that I’m sitting here writing this. Let me share my reasons behind starting to post to this blog again.

You see, at the time that I stopped writing this, I was feeling like this blog was starting to take over my identity. I thought, and rightly so, that there was more to my life than being borderline. I was under the impression that, by focusing on this blog, I was making it seem as though being borderline was my only redeeming quality [and not the best redeeming quality either, I must admit]. Looking back, though, I realized that in addition to being a great way to share how I’m feeling and raise awareness about BPD, this blog was also my greatest form of therapy. It gave me a creative output to share the way I’m feeling with others that could understand where I was coming from.

What inspired this change of heart? Well, you readers might think this is asinine, but I saw a couple of my ex-boyfriend’s friends at work today. They were shopping for a present for him, asking for my advice. Let’s just say that the elastic band around my wrist got a lot of usage in the couple of hours after they left, if you know what I mean. When they left, I got to thinking [as we borderlines are prone to do] about why we broke up. In retrospect, I should hate him a lot more than I already do for making me feel the way he did. After dating for two months, one overdose, and a couple of random bouts of anger [which were perfect examples of the "angry child" schema, might I add...] later, he decided that we ought to take a break. I was, of course, devastated. First, I was angry that he could try to leave me when the going got tough. Then, I went into a depressive state for about a week [which is rare for us borderlines, as our mood swings usually last for a day at most]. When I was finally able to bring myself to talk to him, he told me that his proposed “break” had ulterior motives. It turns out that he wanted to “help me find my independence”. That got me angry as it was. He then disclosed that he didn’t really have any feelings for me and that “the flame was gone after the first date”, but he was waiting for the feeling to come; stringing me on the entire time. He didn’t want to say anything because he didn’t want to hurt me. That was the last straw. I could deal with him trying to make me more independent, but if there’s one thing that hate, it’s people who pussyfoot around major issues; treating me like I’m fragile and made out of glass. Needless to say, I reamed him out royally, and probably said a few things that I shouldn’t have. I believe our last words were something along the lines of, “We’re through. How’s that for independence? Please don’t ever try to contact me again.”

Being treated as though we’re made of glass is something I’m sure that most of us with BPD are used to in our relationships, be they romantic or otherwise. We may seem as though we’re having a hard time of things, and indeed we are. We are not breakable, though. Most people should just realize that the resilience that we show in dealing with this disorder is a lot harder than they think. We have to put on a smiling face every day; at work, at school, and sometimes even with our families. The strength in our character which that portrays is often a concept that people without an emotional disorder find hard to grasp. Yet here we are, fighting on through every day of our lives. Sure, every so often, our shield comes down and we let our true emotions shine through. Whose doesn’t? The intensity of our emotions is often enough to scare people away, though; the soaring highs and the subterranean lows, the frailty masquerading as bravado. We worry about never being able to find anybody to love, and we’re perpetually afraid of losing those whom we already do. We valiantly trudge on through a swamp of despair, knowing full well that, hours later, we’ll either be waist-deep in our despondency, or soaring above it on the wings of the next climax of happiness. We courageously conquer our compulsions; sometimes faltering, but gazing longingly and steadfastly at the glimmer of hope that we plant for ourselves in the future. The strength and bravery of our community is, frankly, awe-inspiring.

So, as I welcome myself back in to the world of blogging, I’d like to say that it’s an honour to help others like myself find some solace. I’ll be attempting to update this every week or so. If I can, though, I’ll update it more than that. I hope that this blog will both help raise awareness about our community, as well as be of assistance to those who need help. To finish this entry on a more inspiring note, I’ll add the lyrics to a song that’s gotten me through quite a few struggles. I hope they can help you as much as they helped me.

Defying Gravity – Wicked: The Musical

Something has changed within me, Something is not the same. I’m through with playing by the rules of someone else’s game. Too late for second guessing, Too late to go back to sleep. It’s time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes and leap. It’s time to try defying gravity. I think I’ll try defying gravity. Kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity, And you won’t bring me down. I’m through accepting limits ‘Cause someone says they’re so. Some things I cannot change, But ’til I try, I’ll never know. Too long I’ve been afraid of Losing love I guess I’ve lost. Well, if that’s love, it comes at much too high a cost. I’d sooner try defying gravity Kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity. I think I’ll try defying gravity. And you won’t bring me down. I’d sooner try defying gravity Kiss me goodbye, I’m defying gravity. I think I’ll try defying gravity, And you won’t bring me down.

Now I’m confused. Thanks.

Ugh, I mean, I just don’t get it. I know that most long distance relationships fail, but what I have with this guy is really amazing, and I’ve never felt anything like this. It’s one of my first long-distance “relationships”, and it’s already more amazing than any other that I’ve had. I mean, he’s known about my issues from the get-go, but he seems really ready to help me work my way through it, and I really appreciate that. He always lets me know that he cares, and he’s just amazing. Thanks for making me have doubts, though. You know who you are.